Conflicted

Diary of the conflicted:

So most of you know that I recently started a new job with the Internal Medicine clinic (still with MeritCare). More specifically it's with the Resident Clinic which is primarily the group of physicians I have been working for in the hospital.

I did enjoy my past job but it was begining to wear on me. After 2 years there I felt like I really knew what I was doing and was becoming more and more involved on the floor by joining a standards committee, leading rapid improvement events, and orientating a new employee pretty much every shift that I worked. These are all good things which had their downsides too. The more involved you are the more the negatives of management can get to you and that you feel/see your voice isn't heard. And the more I precepted/orientated the later I was always staying after work because we all know that new people are just plain slower! ;)

After too many 12 hour shifts of not seeing cute lil' Emmett awake the whole day and being too burned out from this position it was with some uncertainity that I left his position for a clinic gig.
So far I have figured out what I already knew: the clinic is WAY different and WAY slower than the hospital. Their busy is me having only 2 patients that are walkie talkies at my old job. This comes with good and bad as I am enjoying not passing out after work from exhaustion, but feel I am not challenged enough and feel as if I have "down graded". The people are super nice, but it will definitely take awhile for this to feel like home. Who knew I might acutally miss the place I used to curse going to work at?!?!

On a different, yet same, note: These feelings have left me conflicted about whether or not I did the right thing. For some reason I have also felt this strong urge/pull to go into Maternal/child nursing - "birthing center". I did my internship in the FBC and even declined a position with them as I felt it would be better to get general medical experience before specializing in a field. I also struggled with helping moms through labor and the pain/emotions when I hadn't felt them myself. (Yes I do realize I haven't felt 3/4 of what my genereal medical patients feel either, but labor is totally different). Now that I have felt that and have so many mixed emotions about my career and being a working mom, I have come to the conclusion that if I'm going to leave my baby to go to work I really only can validate that with leaving my baby to go to work helping other women become new moms. I can think of so many great things with this job: helping moms through labor, cuddling newborns and helping parents learn to take care of them, assisting with surgery instead of letting the surgical techs have all the fun (on birth centers, it is the nurse that assists the Dr. with the surgery, not the surgical techs).

Surprisingly my hair dresser made me think of all this when she told me during my last hair cut that she loves what she does and doesn't consider it work. And she loves her baby girl and I know it's hard for her to leave her to go to work, but how great that she doesn't think of it as work?! I then thought if the same was true of me and sadly it isn't. I feel it is work. Plain and simple.

So my prayer is this: That I feel peace with my current job situation and the choices I have made that have led me here. That I find my purpose in this current position and be an asset to this team as I felt I have been before in my position. That if I am meant to be a FBC nurse that the right position/hours/timing will present itself and that I will wait patiently for that direction.

If you read all this you may have to much time on your hands, but with that extra time you could pray for me! ;)